Farmer wants a wife
Farmer Wants a Wife farmer Matt O.C. wanna-be Josie cut – but won't leave
As the rooster crowed, figuratively speaking, and the second episode of "Farmer Wants a Wife" got under way Wednesday night, Farmer Matt still had a farm.
And on this farm, there were nine wives.
Or would-be wives, or at least, would-be actresses playing their roles on this CW network reality show.
And among these nine are two with Orange County ties: bad-girl Playboy model Josie Goldberg, who absolutely refused to chase a single chicken last week, and good-girl virgin Brooke Ward, who impressed Farmer Matt mightily with her Texas twang in the debut episode.
Brooke and fellow virgin Lisa open the show with a bit of Bible study, and it's clear that the other women in the farmhouse already have decided that their goody-two-shoes ways are just a way to get closer to Farmer Matt.
"Here comes Brooke, running to the freaking door like it's Ed McMahon with a fat check," sniffs Kanisha as Farmer Matt walks up to the door.
Matt starts to fret about having to boot eight more women on his quest to find the one true farm wife – culling the herd, as the country folk might say – and so he takes them out to do a little work, washing pigs for a friend down yonder.
Josie asks if they should wear sports bras under their overalls. "Let's not be too revealing for the pigs," Farmer Matt advises.
Not to worry – Josie doesn't really plan to wash a pig anyway, though the other women get down and dirty, pig-washing-wise.
Back at the farm, Josie gets right to the point, or at least her point: "Before you marry a woman, do you want to test drive the product before you buy it?"
Matt looks panicked but then says, no, he actually wants to save that for the marriage bed, and the good girls exchange relieved glances.
The girls relax in their bikinis – farm life, you know. After Playboy model Josie walks by barely contained by her orange bikini, Christa, the New York City contestant expresses her desire to punch Josie in the face. Me-oww!
Off to the challenge next we go, this time involving milking a goat, spray painting a cow – must be something country, who knows? – and then shoveling manure. Brooke tries hard but doesn't win. Josie at least tries, but still finishes last.
At bingo at the VFW Hall, Josie manages to offend most everyone – demanding only to sit next to Republicans, and later saying how much she enjoys spending time with "elderly people." In a bingo game for the women only, Josie ends up with the only non-winning card – and that's how she learns that she's been eliminated.
But, Josie being Josie, she's not done yet. She pronounces Farmer Matt cheap – "You picked us flowers, you didn't buy them!" – and says she won't leave until he gives her "a departing gift."
And she means it. Back at the farm house she refuses to get in the neighbor's pickup to go to the airport, calling Farmer Matt on his cell phone to demand that gift, whatever it might be, before she'll go.
"He has to call the sheriff to escort me out," she says.
Hours pass. She waits. Farmer Matt is a no-show. She pours her water bottle on a cow. Finally she goes, but not before taking a few more shots at the country boy.
"I think he's a cheap bastard," she declares as she rides off into the Missouri sunset.
Farmer Matt, meanwhile, takes Stacey on a date, leaving the other women free to go to a country tavern, where the non-virgins carp about how the virgins – Brooke and Lisa – are flirting with the cutest boy in the bar, and start to plot their downfall.